I desperately wish this was a post about how I have already kicked that novel troll ‘comment’ to the curb and it’s all in the past. How I haven’t thought about those hurtful words again and how I feel stronger than ever. Unfortunately, this post isn’t about that and I don’t feel strong, I feel depressed. I can’t explain why or how that one comment sent me over the edge. I’ve been wondering that myself. It was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess it wasn’t that one comment, it was an accumulation of having lots of comments lately that I am able to brush off but still leave a little sting. An accumulation of back to back weeks of working unrealistically long days and pushing through on 4 hour sleeps because my baby girl has had a rough trot of cutting teeth and tummy bugs. All the while trying to be a good mama, wife and coach.
Since reading that comment many red flags have been raised. I know the signs of the black dog all too well. Passing comments or innocent gestures from my husband taken as personal attacks, not wanting to see friends because ‘they probably wouldn’t want to hang with me anyway,’ getting ready for an outing and hating what you see in the mirror and a hundred other little shades of hatred and “I’m not good enoughs” that I have thrown at myself internally since I came crashing down on Friday. It’s horrible and for me, all so familiar. All of this, for some reason, is a lot easier for me to type about than to talk about.
Despite what a lot of people may think about me from first face value and scrolling through my Instagram feed, is that I have had to battle depression and anxiety throughout the majority of my life.
After an unconventional childhood, to say the least, I really struggled to feel worthy, to feel accepted and wondered through my whole teenage life how anyone could possibly love me. I worked through it, I battled with those voices, I spoke to professionals, I’ve faced my demons head on. Thankfully, with the love and support I have from my family and my own strength and drive to make the most of my life, the majority is lived happy and content as you see through my social media platforms. Highlighting my favourite moments of the day, sharing my daily therapy of working out, positive affirmations and trying to brighten up others lives through intimate and humorous moments.
It’s been a long, long road and I really still have to travel along that bumpy road from time to time. It’s like I have steered my life (with pure grit and determination) onto a freshly laid, smooth bit of bitumen, it’s lovely, there are some speed humps but it’s a beautiful road to ride along. But as life does, it provides you with many forks in the road and sometimes it takes you back down that bumpy road. Even though you desperately want that smooth bit of road again, you just can’t seem to find that bridge or exit, even though you know that smooth road is right there.
Before you know it you’re in a tunnel and you feel completely alone with no direction and no light. To that I have to say, that you’re never alone. You always have yourself (who is a very important person.) Secondly, there is always help out there, people wanting to listen and support you.
With every hardship I’ve ever been through, I know there is one thing that helps me overcome it. I feel a sense of cause when I can use my hard time as a way to help others through theirs. I know I have bravery when it comes to this sort of stuff. Maybe because I’ve been the person that needs that bit of hope or that inspiration to be assured that things are going to be okay.
It helps me believe that it was not all for nothing and it’s a way to create a positive out of a negative experience. It may not be the same experience but at the end of the day, nurturing words and advice can be applied to many wounds and situations.
When I broke down on Snapchat, hundreds of you wrote to me, family, friends and my online sisterhood. So many of you helped me, your words picked me up when I was down, stopped the tears and replaced them with laughter, smiles, feelings of warmth and compassion. Not everybody that gets bullied online has the community that I have. So I wanted to go through and quote some of the words of advice that helped me gain perspective and work through it.
Hopefully some of these words of advice can help others that may be on the receiving end of bullying via social media or bullying of any sort.
- @Tiarnah_verham: Remember that when people say mean things it says more about them than it does about you.
- @mrslwx Dont let the assholes of the world ruin your goals!
- @vmh_personalised aka Ness member at my gym- Some people don’t like to see others succeed or talk bad about others so others won’t view them in such a positive light. Usually they are unhappy in their own lives and rather than work on improving their own they throw insults at others to make themselves feel better. Keep doing you!
- @csanmartinn: People are hurtful and mean and it takes so long to try to understand it but hopefully one day you’ll realize that you can’t understand it and that cruelty is unfortunately a given in this life. Not matter what you can’t escape it. Trolls have their own issues and demons to face.
- @Tihanna “Social media absolutely sucks sometimes. You are brave for putting yourself out there, there will always be someone who wants to bring you down. It’s such a shame. I can’t believe people can be so hurtful. Unfortunately it’s never going to change. You just keep being you take time to wash away that yucky side of social media… You are amazing.” –
I also thought this is a good opportunity to give advice to anyone who has ever thought of writing something mean on social media:
- First thing you need to do once you stop reading this post is get off your phone/ laptop or computer and go hug yourself. You deserve to be loved.
- Highly recommend unfollowing anyone you do not like.
- Remember that behind every account is another human being, each human has their own battles to fight and you have no idea how big or small that battle is. Be kind. And if you can’t manage that, don’t waste your time commenting just close that app/ window and find ANYTHING else to do with your time. Watch TV, have a sip of water, go learn Karate- seriously ANYTHING else would be great and can avoid deeply affecting someone else in a negative way.
The universe works in such mysterious ways, like the fact that my next YouTube video that was uploaded by my production crew on Friday is: HOW TO PRACTICE SELF LOVE. Go figure! I watched it back myself knowing that I was the one needing to take down notes this week.
So I made this week’s video Live a little earlier because #SelfLove. I need it. Online bullies need it and you just never know else may need one or two of the tips in the video.
I want to assure you that I will be okay, I am a master of getting through things like this and comparatively this is a smaller speed hump than most I’ve come across. I shared this post and its personal details because similarly to everything I share, I hope I can help others realise they are not alone. Depression and anxiety are a real shit of a thing, but it’s okay to have it and I am living proof that you can get through it and live a life full of positivity, love and solo dance parties.
I also just wanted to say thank you and I love you. Thanks for picking a girl up when she needed it. I hope we can continue being there for each other and making each other happy.
If you or anyone you know need to speak to someone there is always help.
Call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit: https://www.lifeline.org.au/